I sometimes wonder if I’m too liberal.
For instance, we have policy on cuss words in our house: using cuss words around adults is not a good idea. That’s it. That’s the rule. Pretty vague, huh? YUP! That gives me the parent an opportunity to both instill a virtue Thall shall not cuss! and be completely fucking honest when the situation calls for it! Any of these phrases sound familiar:
“If you cuss, you’ll go to hell” (pastor)
“Good girls don’t have dirty mouths” (grandma)
“We will be upstanding citizens with upstanding mouths!” (cub scout leader)
“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!” (some random person on a bent)
I could go on. We tell kids–as soon as they can formulate sentences–that cussing is bad. So, what will they naturally do when the come together, away from adults? Cuss! From the time they learn that cussing is socially unacceptable, until they are adults and have the right to govern themselves, your average kid has a bit of a potty mouth from time to time. It’s stupid of me as a parent to say that I can control my daughter’s tongue when she’s not around me.
But this post really isn’t about kids cussing, it’s about adults cussing–at kids.
I hate parents that cuss out their young ones; it’s so sad to see a kid in the store getting chewed out–and watching slobber hit their face as their parent spews ugliness in their direction. Not only is it demeaning to the child, but it really casts a poor light on the parent as well.
Sometimes thought, using a dirty word can let a kid know that they’ve gone too far, and I found myself yesterday engaging in a verbal lashing with my 9-year old. I didn’t spew, but I did let a few slip–did I go too far?
She’s in competition with my niece, who is about three years her junior. Anytime my niece says anything, does anything, my daughter yells rude comments: “that’s not true! You’re wrong, God, you don’t know anything!”
These are hurtful things. My niece is socially not up to speed, and she just doesn’t get things sometimes. My girls and I have had this conversation; my suggestion: change the subject. If they can find common understanding, the conversation will naturally be a more productive one. Still, my youngest persists in being mean at every turn.
So, first it was damn it that slipped. Then shit.
Every time she said something to my niece, I ended up saying something to her–and it wasn’t a pretty something. I was angry, stressed (the house finally closed yesterday), and I we were all hungry. But she was also being purposely hurtful, insensitive, and rude. She deserved a verbal lashing.
I didn’t apologize–not this time. My daughter was being an asshole butt. And for the first time I felt like she was being a jerk, and she deserved my “verbal abuse”.
And yes, most of you out there will say I’m wrong, but I’m not. Children need to know that you too can get fed up with their “attitude”, and sometimes, there’s nothing left. My daughter isn’t little anymore, she almost 10. She’s old enough to know when she’s being purposely hurtful, and she should be reprimanded for it.
Will it change her attitude toward her little cousin? Probably not. We’ve decided to separate them whenever possible; my daughter gets the joy and quiet solitude of her room–unless she can figure out how to say something kind once in a while.
Of course, parenting books won’t teach us that–in parenting books, parents never get fed up. Parents never cuss. In the really world, sometimes, a verbal lashing is an order.
The Secular Parent 
I bet Iggy was abused as a child. Guys like him, short and fat, probably got picked on in school too.
I say that not to be sarcastic, I really feel sorry for the guy. He is a smart guy, but his mind is warped.
wuh woh. I believe if you’re going to be cursing at your kids they should be allowed to curse too. Little kids can get just as stressed and angry as you.
As for kids, themselves, cussing, I stumbled upon an approach that my kids seem to have taken to heart (at least around me). I told them that cussing can offend people, and children shouldn’t use bad words until they are old enough to show that they know when they are appropriate vs. inappropriate for the situation. In other words, that it’s a biological thing…when their brains have reached a certain point of development. My son (8 at the time), piped up with, “Oh, just like drinking alcohol! We can’t drink until we’re adults, because then we’ll know how to control it, right?”
Whoa, sometimes they DO listen.
(And, yes, I do have to laugh to myself at the thought of 21-year-olds being able to control their reaction to alcohol. 😉 )
We have never issued any kind of ban on cussing at our house. When the kids experimented with a few words when they were toddlers, we basically ignored it. After that, there was no cussing. When they got older, they figured out the meaning and purpose behind the words and used words for emphasis on occasion. Since discussion of all types is welcome in our family, I have never had to worry that they were acting too inappropriately outside of home. That being said, however, my husband and I have lost it on occasion, and an occasional cuss word will slip out when we are chewing someone out. I always feel a little bad about it, but it’s not worth beating yourself up over. You can always have a discussion later about what made you so angry. Kids are always brattiest to the people they feel safest with-and it’s natural to totally lose it on occasion. 🙂 We’re all human.
See Michael. Here’s the scary part: I agree with you. I could care less if the girls cussed once in a while–but then I go back to my original point—-> I’m too liberal.
Isn’t wrong for a kid to cuss? So then, does that mean that I can’t cuss at them, because they can’t cuss at me?
Yep. But I’m human, and I’m honest and real about my emotions in every other area, it stands to reason that I can’t hide being pissed, right? Are parents supposed to be in control 100% of the time?
The rule in my house is no insults, whether they are cuss words or not. Cuss words that are not insulting (you know like, I’m having such a damn good time! or oh shit! I stubbed my toe!) are allowed at home and with same-age friends but not in front of adults who would be offended. Occasionally, they overdo it by stringing too many cuss words together and we tell them to tone it down. But I don’t want to ban them altogether because I use them myself and don’t want to be a hypocrite.
As for verbal lashings…I really think it’s important to separate the child as a person from his/her behavior. I might say “What you DID was mean” or even “you are being a jerk” but I would never say “you are a jerk”. Because behavior is something you can change, and that’s what we need to focus on.
Lev – first of all, what’s the deal with people picking on Iggy’s looks? I just don’t get it. There’s not a thing wrong with him other than a little weight, but how many of us over 30 can’t say that? And he certainly dresses a helluvalot better than most people do these days with their track pants, over-sized t-shirts and their crocks. Is it an anti-Russian thing or what? If you all think you are so Chippendale-esque, why don’t you post some photos and prove it?
It would be so easy to say “women never 100% control their emotions” :-]
Iggy’s a Russian?
I’ll be damned. Just another reason to despise him,
Why the hell did he leave the paradise 70 years of atheist rule created?
I really like what Cyndi had to say. We don’t ban any words in our house either. I do feel like it’s my job to provide my children with information that helps them get along in the world, so I talk with them about how some people really hate hearing words like that.
And I like what Michael said about it being a two-way street. Kind of like, while I usually like to do whatever my children request, sometimes I’ll say that I really don’t feel like it right now. And of course they are free to tell me the same.
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