Is Family Time Pointless Time?

We all need space–kids included.   So when I noticed that our family was having a little too much personal time, I decided to take matters into my own hands: from now on, we should spend at least an hour a day, together, doing something.  But what is the something?

“I hated family time,”  an anonymous source told me.  Now 30, he sees the traditional ‘family time’ as a waste of everybody’s time.  “Why force people to get together, at a certain time, at a certain place, and do one of two things: play a game (that the adults always beat you at) or watch a movie (that the adults choose, or that the adults talk through because they don’t like it).  I loved my parents, and my sisters, but I lived with them–why couldn’t I spend my ‘free’ time the way I wanted to?”

I, on the other hand, really like family time with the kids…but lately, it’s dwindled.  The girls tend to come in, have a snack, and disappear.   When they’re in the same space for more than 15 minutes, you can expect a spicy, heated argument.  The husband comes in from work, showers, and browses the  net for a while.

Family schedules never sync up, unless we’re off to a family event.

So, are family events the new family time?  And, should I be concerned that my kids just want to play with their friends and could care less about the hubby and I?  Am I being a helicopter mom, hovering around them like a determined wasp or something?

I spent yesterday feeling like a horrible parent: I wanted us to play Monopoly together–but the girls were playing outside in the water (happily), and the hubby was on the computer–engrossed in net surfing for media boxes.  Do I need a life?

Honestly, I’m just looking for ways to keep my family connected.  

My husband says to relax.   We’ve spent the girls entire childhood with them: reading nightly, teaching them to play Chess, Go and Scrabble, we’ve gone camping whenver possible, and family vacations and getaways are about once every few months.  We’ve cultivated a trusting relationship, and we still have our nightly hugging ritual (I hope that never goes away!)

What else am I supposed to do?

Does your family have enough family time?  Check out familytime.com if you need some ideas!

Get out of your skin!

This pass fall, for the first time ever, my family and I went to the Renaissance Festival!

It was the coolest thing I’ve ever been to: I felt like we’d gone to a different world. There were people dressed in crazy clothes, and talking like in Robin Hood (bad, I know)!

What’s sad is that my only reason for never going is that black people didn’t do that. What black person goes to the renaissance festival? This black person does, now! Within 10 minutes of being there, I wanted a costume, and so did my girls. We all wanted to be a part of this world that we’d never seen. We wanted to dance, and eat, and smile like everyone around us.

Now, this can be accomplished without a costume–but boy, the people in the costumes looked particularly happy!

I felt like an idiot for thinking with such a closed mind about the festival all these years. I felt the same way in college, after taking an Art History survey course. It was so cool and I learned so much about great art (I also used to think that art from Europe was only for white people).

If we want to expose our children, in a safe and fun way to other cultures, festivals are the way to go! This coming year, we are going to the Chinese new year festival in town, the Cinco de Mayo celebration, and of course, the Renaissance Festival!

Sure, festivals aren’t true representations of a culture (that’s what books, encyclopedias and PBS are for!), but they do allow you to experience things from a perspective that is totally foreign. Any time you can change your perspective on a situation, you have succeeded in opening your mind a little bit more.

Don’t like the celebration? Don’t go next time. End of story. So go on, get off my sight, do some city searching, and get out your box and jump into some new skin for while!

Break Walls!

This past Halloween, my girls decided to do something daring: to dress in boy costumes. Now, this may not seem like a tall feat, but when taken from the perspective of 7 and 8 year-old’s, I can assure you–it’s big. The greatest thing was the ease with which they let go of the barbie princess…she can be a menace! I started off the season by saying under no circumstances could they spend this Halloween dressed as princesses. Why? They’d been princesses every year since birth! I wanted them to get out of their Disney-made worlds and explore the limits of creativity.
They chose to be ninja’s, both of them. They looked awesome! But it got me to thinking: if I had a son, and he wanted to get out of his skin and become, say, a princess, would I let him have that same freedom?
Surprisingly, my first response was no way! He’d be tortured. After hollering at myself for awhile (sometimes, you gotta do that), I had a change of heart. Here’s my rationale:

1. How a person reveals themselves to the world is so intimately related with
someone’s psychological health, that to do otherwise would be morally wrong.
To tell my son, for instance, that it was bad for him to do that, or that he
was not a good boy, would crush his self confidence and self esteem.

2. Who are we, as parents, to decide how the world should see another individual,
perfectly capable of telling the world how they want to be viewed themselves?

When the girls decided to be ninjas for Halloween, we had conversation. It went something like this: if you dress like a ninja, there will be some children who say that you are wearing a boys costume. They might say, so you wanna be a boy? Or, that’s not what girls wear! You are going to have to stand up for yourself and tell people that you can dress up for Halloween anyway you like. Can you do that? The girls said yes. I let it go. I didn’t assume that they would be lesbians, never marry a man, or have kids. I just let them wear the freakin’ costume!
But when I thought of a little boy wearing a costume that was for girls, my first reaction was: if my son wanted to wear a dress, it would mean that he was gay.

Sometimes, this crazy society can play tricks on our mind. The Christian Right has convinced us that kids, particularly boys, can’t do ANYTHING that even resembles something feminine without being branded homosexual. If a boy wants to wear a dress one time, it will not kill him, nor will it mean that he is gay. And even if he was, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
If we really want our children to be mentally sound, then we have to do a couple of things. First, we have to allow them the freedom to express themselves, in a healthy manner, so that we can gain clues to who they are as individual human beings, not simply our kids. We also have to be willing to break the walls that we have been trained to keep our children in. There is absolutely no reason why a child should feel scorned by her parents for being who she is..Manish, girlish, and in-between: there are all kinds of people in this world, so there should be all kinds of kids.

Your Backyard: The low budget place to play!!

When I was little, we didn’t get out much. There were eight of us kids in the house, one parent and no extra money. So we played in the back yard. As my girls have grown up, I’ve always made it a priority to take them places, to expose them to new cultures and new ways of thinking. I thought that if I took them enough places, they’d have a “good” childhood.

Well, money is tight these days. Gas is so high that we just don’t go very many places if we don’t have to. Instead, we bought good ‘ol outdoor toys and took to the backyard! Here are a few of our favorite backyard budget games:

1. Red light, green light. This is just classic fun. The kids really get a kick out of it when they get to be the caller.

2. Soccer ball. Talk about exercise! If you need that half-hour a day exercise, trying kicking the ball back and forth with some high energy little ones! They’ll play for ever and the best part, you’ll keep that heart healthy for years to come!

3. Bug hunting. Not the most active sport, but wow, if you’ve got a science lover, the possibilities are endless! Get yourself a couple of $1 magnifying glasses, a bug catcher and your back yard almost turns into a treasure hunt! This also teaches caring for those that are weaker than you–like little buggies!

No matter what you do in that backyard–tag, Simon says, or tried and true Twister, the back yard can be fun…if you make it! People sometimes stare at me, ask me what I’m doing (my husband included, sometimes). I say hey, I’m playing with my kids. They’re only little once, and every moment with them is a moment of teaching, learning, sharing and loving.

To the yard!!!!!

A walk in nature’s paradise

Recently, our family went on a nature walk. We left early, packed a lunch, mounds of water, and headed toward the park. I knew it would be a great way for my husband and I to get some exercise–no computers on the trail! Instead of listening to our girls argue and fight, we actually had a chance to listen to them running from one stream to another, smililng for our cheap camera, and enjoying the smell of the earth.
It’s funny: the one thing we were trying to get rid of was the one thing that helped us have a great time. I’m talking about technology. Too often, parents have replace their TV watching with their internet surfing. What we don’t realize is that children will follow in our footsteps. We need to model active life styles and we recently purchased something that has made the experience grand: a GPS unit.
Nothing fancy, the Nu vi 200, is the cheapest well made GPS unit around. Since GPS units have become widely used, the price has gone down. Families can now plug in any destination and get there quickly, safely, and with options for eating, playing and even sleeping–if need be. You never get lost!
I know we are all strapped for money and I’m certainly not suggesting you run out and waste money that has to be spent on food, clothes or bills. But if you are tying to think of something that will get your family moving, and you live in an area ripe with free/cheap family fun, a GPS unit makes family fun much more enjoyable. Think about it: no more are we there yet? Are we lost? What restaurants are around here? A GPS unit is a worthwhile investment that you and your family will be happy you bought, especially if you enjoy camping, nature walking, or just seeing new places.
Don’t have an extra $200? Use a map! My husband and I drove from Missouri to Washington and back without a GPS unit. We traveled from Missouri to Texas using the good ‘ol map. We bought one of those $25 State Map books, and we used the web (thanks randmcnally.com!) to print out directions.
My point: get out of the house! Use spring weather to talk about bugs, clouds, streams and all the things that make our planet beautiful. You don’t need a HD TV to see the beauty of of the world. What do you and your family do to interact with nature?